Saturday, May 03, 2008

Okay. Bwhahahahahahhahahahahaha

Normally, I wouldn't think of betraying privacy by sharing the fan mail
I get from guys, but I'm pretty sure this was sent out as SPAM. The
comments in bold are mine.

Hello Pretty Lady: (He must like really thin women, because this is the picture in the profile he mailed this to:)

i just wanted to let you know the kind of person I am, I am a MAN (Thank
god you put it in caps so I wouldn't miss the fact that you're male.
Sorry, I mean a MAN. You only use upper case I when you're talking
about your gender. The rest of the time it's a lower case i, indicating
to me that you are a sexual submissive. I don't usually do this for
strangers, but since you're a sub, I will treat you like one from now
that is in need of real and perfect love, I need a WOMAN (Gottcha. You're not into
guys. What was your first clue I was female? Couldn't have been my
picture. Must be the name on my profile. I have a similar profile under
a male name too, just in case you decide to broaden your sexual
horizons. Of course, my male profile will turn you down too.)
that can take me through, see , I have been hurt so many times by different WOMAN (Were
these, like, Amazon women, and that's why you need to put it in caps?
) and wouldn't want that to happen to me again.....(Then you're talking to the wrong woman, because I would most definitely want to hurt you.) thats the reason why I said that I need love.... (It's rentable, buddy. I hear the minimum rate for a decent pro is $200/hour) I am far from a millionaire (Yeah, I live about 1000 miles away from Warren Buffet too. I hear ya.) and am not out for anything but love from someone. Having someone that loves
you and supports you in your life through good and bad times and won’t give up on you is what I am looking for. (I'm just looking for a big cock.Whatcha packin' babe? And don't give me that measurement in AOL inches.) Honesty and trust are what makes a relationship work. (I prefer bondage and discipline.) I prefer to watch a movie or attend the theater rather than read a novel. (Dude - have you read ANY of my posts? I'm a writer who doesn't watch TV or go to the movies.) I also enjoy travel, experiencing different geographies (Is "different geography" like the Risk game board? What the fuck is Irkust anyway? I mean -has anyone heard of this place? And don't even get me started onthat magical land bridge between Australia and Asia Minor) and people (Okay. I'll let my freinds use you as a sex toy.) , I do not smoke.(I do. Not only will I exhale in your face as you kneel before me, but I will grind my smouldering butt into the back of your hand. And you will thank me for it, boy.) I do drink
on social occasions. (Then get me a fucking vodka martini already. You're a shitty slave if I have to tell you that.) i graduated from OXFORD UNIVERSITY AT UK... (Wow. Didn't they teach grammar there?)Bcos i was brough up by mom there...... well Concerning sexuality, I am not a promiscuous MAN. (You won't get a chance once I put a chastity belt on you.) My desire is to be sexually faithful to the WOMAN I marry. (Whoa! Slow down there subby boy. Who said I'd marry you? I'm only looking for a good lay. This is a community property state. Screw that divorce shit. I'll just take off your collar when I'm done with you.) If two people love (Love? Again, we're talking at cross purposes here. I'll use you, but love? Not bloody likely. I threw in a British term for you since you went to OXFORD. See? I can be nice. Don't count on it though.) each other and will communicate what they like and do not like about their partner's sexual behavior, (I find a crop to be an excellent facilitator of communication. How do you feel about CBT - cock and ball torture? Don't like it? Tough shit. Tell it to the ballgag.) I believe many problems can be resolved. Moreover, I am currently working on my own cos (this is a word? Oxford should recall your diploma - with prejudice.) i had to try something else after i lost almost all i had to my last relationship (She rolled you in an alleyway? That's what you get for hiring cheap hookers. I'm telling you, $200/hr is the minimum you want to pay.) so am antiques dealer (Is that what you tell people at parties because you're too embarrassed to say gigolo? Just wait until I make you tell people about your last punishment enema.) ...... and i always travile to many country (What a coincidence! I travel too! How do you feel about being kenneled in the luggage compartment? Because I'm thinking now that you'd make a great puppyboy. I hope you're housebroken.) toantiquess business trip (At Oxford, they would call what belongs here a full stop. We call it a period.) well if you are reallyintrested in me (That depends. How do you look in a leather jock strap? Send me nude photos so I can judge for myself. I want to see at least one hard-on shot with a standard ruler next to it.) you can send me ur yahoo id so that we can able to chat (You sent me an e-mail, doofus, so you know how to get hold of me. You better be really hot, because stupid men, sorry, MEN, don't hold my interest for verylong.) and know more about each other ok (I think I already know everything about you I need to.) ...... send me ur yahoo id. Or u can add me this is my yahoo id (XXXX_XXXXXXX ) U can add me now cos i am online......... Hope to chat with u soon ... (Hope springs eternal, hon. Good luck with that. Are you sure you don't have $20M you need to spirit out of Nigeria?)

That was too much fun. I'll let you know if I get the cock pictures.

1 comment:

Angela Caperton said...

"I'll let you know if I get the cock pictures."

Promise, Kathleen? ;-)

That was great! Thanks for sharing your wonderful sense of humor.