Monday, September 26, 2005

Following Up On Destiny

If there's one thing I've learned from the Intelligent Design debate, it's that no pseudo-scientific test would be complete without follow-up crackpot analysis.

So here goes.

Looking at my weekend prediction, I forecast that I'd come up with an incredible story for a lesbian science-fiction anthology, the person reading my novel would e-mail me with a "I couldn't put it down, you're the greatest writer ever" message, my lotto ticket would be the sole winner of a huge jackpot, and when I walked through my front door that night, my SO would be safe at home - between the sheets.

How did I do?

No story for the anthology.

I did get feedback on my novel. Not exactly "best novel ever," but very encouraging.

I didn't win the lotto.

My SO was safe at home.

I'm thinking that's batting 1000.

Whoa, you might be thinking. Even being generous and giving you two out of the four, that's only 500.

Okay, you godless liberal heathen, I'll show you how faith based statistics work.

First - I might not have written a story, but who knows what fermented in my brain over the weekend that might, in the future, result in a story?

Second - I didn't win the lotto, but I didn't buy a ticket either. A person of deep spirituality like myself would never stoop to empirical tests of faith. If it's good enough for me to believe that if I'd bought a ticket, I would have won, then that delusion should be good enough for you too.

Third - the reader didn't hate my novel. I choose to take absence of proof as proof to the contrary. If the reader didn't hate it, then, through biblical interpretation, they loved it. See how that works?

Fourth - when I got home, the SO was eyeball deep in TIVO'd Rome episodes. After that primed the pump, so to speak, "between the sheets" was a given.

Looking back at my astonishing success rate, I'm thinking that I may take up this horoscope thing full time. The problem before was that I made it too specific. According to the Intelligent Design playbook, facts are to be shunned like Hester Prynne, and all debate should center on personal attacks (notice that I already called you a godless liberal), willful misinterpretations, opinion disguised as reason, and a lot of pseudo-scientific gibberish.

So here's my new prediction, good for all signs of the zodiac - "Today, something might happen, and you may respond negatively or positively." Oh, and by the way, just by reading horoscopes, you've condemned your soul to the fires of hell for all eternity.

Have a nice day!

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