When the SO and I get in trouble in public for our snarky remarks and/or behavior, it's usually because I set us off. I admit it. I whisper sotto voce comments to the SO, and soon he's either bought in to my cunning (and yet socially unacceptable) plan, or he's stealing my Dorothy Parkeresque comments and trying to pass them as his own. (But he lacks my timing and delivery. I've made him shoot sodas out his nose. He only earns snorts and guffaws.)
Yes, I was the one who tried to buy a Bishop's miter in Rome, and wanted my name embroidered on the back like they do at Disneyland.
Yes, I am the one who takes my nieces to art galleries and sends them off on penis scavenger hunts.
Yes, I'm always the one making my nephews giggle during religious services and funerals.
But this time I was completely innocent - of instigating anything. I will cop to a lesser plea of upping the ante.
MLS soccer season started April 1 (appropriately enough). We didn't make it to a live game until last weekend. It was a cold, drizzly night. (As an aside, my special thanks to #9 of the away team. Thank you so very much for all those warm-up exercises you did right in front of me. Thank you for wearing your shorts so damn tight and not wearing underwear. Thank you for bending down to touch your toes so that those shorts had to s-t-r-e-t-c-h over your very nice muscular ass, over and over, and over again. *Sigh* I LOVE soccer.)
Where was I? Oh yeah.
At halftime, as the teams left the pitch, the announcer told us that a season ticket holder had a special announcement to make. Immediately, my mental warning flags were waving. I should have gone to the ladies room. But no. I stayed in my seat.
Sure, I like love. I love love. But there's a time and place for everything, and a soccer stadium where 20,000 people are trapped as unwilling witnesses to your schmaltzy personal business is not the time or the place. As he read his little speech about how much he loved his wife and their two allegedly adorable children, I made sounds like a puking dog. Only the SO could hear me though.
When we got to the part where the man asked his wife to renew their vows, it was the SO who shouted, "Say No!"
People in our section cracked up.
I couldn't let that go, so I added, "You Can Do Better!"
Oh sure, they tried to look horrified, but I could see people stifling their giggles.
Then the SO yelled, "Run!" which kind of served a double purpose, because by then the ushers were converging on our seats. Our section was openly laughing as we sprinted up the stairs.
So you can see, he started it this time. Me? Completely innocent.
On the way home, I got to thinking about that whole smarmy display of affection. If I had a season ticket, maybe they'd hand me an open mike. Oh sure, I'd tell them it was for something completely inncocent. No time delay button. An audience in the thousands. Excellent. The possibilities boggle even my wicked imagination. Time to start saving my pennies.